Have you ever had one of those nothing-to-do days? You’ve finished cleaning the house, the kids are at school/out playing with friends, you partner is away working/having an affair/out with friends, leaving you alone and bored. So you look for something to keep you occupied, something to stimulate you. Well Basem Darwish thinks he has the answer. Summer Liaison is a romance novel with a difference. Unfortunately that difference is he has no literary talent. None at all. Not even a little. Not a sausage. My twelve year old could have written a more interesting and coherent romance novel than this man.
This is a porno movie with less plot and even more unbelievable sex – unbelievably unbelievable. I wouldn’t be surprised if porno movies are where he got all his ideas. Every two pages there is an extremely graphic sex scene, which I am not against, as long as it’s good sex. But this isn’t. It’s TERRIBLE! I couldn’t read some of it through the tears of laughter blurring my vision.
These sex scenes run the gambit from on a rock under a waterfall to – I can’t believe I’m going to type this – spontaneous lactation. I seriously doubt there is such a thing. (Whoever told this man that a woman would find it tender and beautiful to spontaneously lactate and breast feed her man and then to have hot milky sex with him – I think most women will agree – was wrong! EUGH!)
Only about 50 of the 178 pages are dedicated to the plot so it’s very patchy but it goes something like this. Rickey “Hot-Billionaire” Johnson is married to Jennifer “Body-No-Man-Can-Resist” St. James. They meet when she takes over the job of VP at his bank, sparks fly, or that is what we are told, they are already married when we meet them.
Rickey and Jennifer fly to Fiji on their honeymoon, only to meet Rickey’s ex-girlfriend, who he’s carrying a torch for. Pamela “damningly gorgeous” (not my words I assure you) Netter has been pining for Rickey since they split acrimoniously just out of high school. With nothing else to do with her life, without him to give her life meaning (I swear to god this man has never even met a woman!), she has built a hotel empire – hey when you spend this much time on your back you want a nice place to do it in – and is now a billionaire.
Pamela wants Rickey back. Rickey swears his undying love to Jennifer then has his way with Pamela and her friend Lisa “Isis” McGee, repeatedly, once at the same time. In the end Jennifer leaves him because she thinks he’s cheating on her (which was obvious as he both confessed it and shagged another woman in front of her). Lisa gives him up after a cat fight and Pamela wins him – not really the prize he is supposed to be I think.
That’s it. And that’s not it in nutshell that’s all there is to it. This isn’t a real novel it’s just an excuse to read about people fucking. I would like to tell you about plot holes but there are more holes than plot. I wouldn’t know where to begin telling what was wrong with this “story”.
Although reader, there was one mistake, reader, that I thought such an obvious mistake, reader, that I couldn’t believe he had made it, reader. And, reader, he made it over and over again, reader, so that it was more like a speech impediment, reader.
The characters repeatedly used each other’s names reader. Maybe he feared, reader, that you wouldn’t know who was talking or who, reader, they were talking to, reader, unless he told you all the time, reader.
Irritating huh! It also makes me wonder if he has ever actually read a novel, reader.
Here are some of my favourite paragraphs for you to read and judge for yourself. Some of them just show you the full unbelievablity of this book, other show off his terrifying lack of knowledge when it comes to… well… cumming. And others are just too funny not to reprint. (I’m not going to correct the spelling, grammar or punctuation mistakes so that you get the full effect.)
As Jennifer sat down, she ordered a drink while she waited for Rickey. When the waiter brought her drink, he hesitated for a moment as Jennifer turned to take the drink from him, and the drink slid from his hands onto the ground. Jennifer covered her face in agony because she had been through the same thing hundreds of times. The waiter had been distracted by her voluptuous bosom and let the drink slip right out of his hands. This was the curse of every well-breasted woman, and Jennifer tried not to think too much of it.
Now speaking as a “well-breasted woman” – no really, they’re fabulous – this has never happened. Yes men look at them, talk to them occasionally but mostly they try as hard as they can to look you in the eye. Men never drop things at the sight of fabulous breasts; they aren’t that gormless.
I think you should dress formally as Pamela is very important woman in the business world and she is probably inviting extremely important people and friends for dinner. But, I think you should wear your light black suit because the sight of you in that suit turns me on so much. And, we are here on our honeymoon, so that wouldn’t be a bad idea.
“I see you point,” said Rickey as he gave Jennifer one of his sexy looks that told her that he understood what she was saying. “However, I think you should wear something very provocative tonight. I was thinking your new green silk evening gown with the low-cut bosom, tight back, and round shoulder design. You remember what happened the last time you wore something like that. I ended up giving you a 48 hour orgasm.”
Forty-eight hour orgasm? I don’t think that’s an incentive, too much of a good thing after all. And when was the last time you knew a man who could describe more than the colour of his favourite you-look-hot-in-it dress?
Rickey couldn’t help but realize how beautiful and stunningly sexual his new wife was.
Why couldn’t he help it? Why wouldn’t he want to?
As they feasted on a breakfast of scrambled eggs, roast beef, and English muffins, Rickey and Jennifer discussed their plans for the day.
Roast Beef?! For breakfast? Yuck!
Rickey came only moments after Jennifer and the force of his release into Jennifer shot her to the other side of the elevator.
Good god! That could cause internal damage!
Yes Rickey, don’t stop. Keep going faster Rickey. Oh, goodness!!!
Goodness yes. Don’t stop.
“Yes Lisa, keep moving with me. Push yourself up against me and twist in your unbelievable ways.”
“Well, you have to supplicate me Rickey. Scream my name out. Holler at me and tell me what you want me to do to you.”
“Make me climax Lisa! I want to come inside of you! I want you to slid against me and push your breasts in my faces. I want you to sign my discharge petition!”
I didn’t realise the two faced git was in the military. But she isn’t so I don’t think her signing his discharge petition would do any good. At least he admits that he has more than one face. More than most men would do.
I could go on and on (and on) with examples but I won’t. I think I’ve made my point. This book is both the worst book I have ever read and one of the funniest – I almost peed my panties laughing at the ridiculous sex scenes. Sometimes bad really can be good. I’m not going to recommend this book however - I don’t want to be responsible if you don’t find it as funny as I did.
A note to the author – Basem, I know that you’re planning on writing a sequel to this and I would like to say, please don’t. I also read on the back cover that you’re a medical student, if I were you I would stick to that. Don’t quit the day job.
Another stunning review Ms. Harper. Step up your output or write a book already. Your public demands it.
Mike
July 2nd, 2006
Why thank you! I didn’t know I had a “public”.
A.L. Harper
July 2nd, 2006
It’s me, Basem Darwish. I just wanted to write you a little message to thank you for reviewing my book. Overall, the review was excellent. However, I did feel compelled to clarify a few points that I believe would help everyone to better understand the purpose behind Summer Liaison.
The first thing is that I wrote Summer Liaison to be a completely different form of a romance novel. I have been reading romance novels for years, and I have read so many that were very serious, had a strong literary backing, and really just followed a drawn out and complex plot. When I decided to write my own romance novel, I wanted to write a story that was both entertaining and outrageously funny. Furthermore, I didn’t want to focus too much on minor, specific details and create a long, boring story. As a result, I decided make Summer Liaison a story that would be more humorous and unbelievable than anything else. And, this is why I choose the simple plot of having three women fight over one guy. That was designed to be the sole purpose of the story, and everything revolved around that, including Rickey’s secret, which I don’t believe you mentioned in your review. In this manner, I created a unique story where the reader would focus on this one point and would be eager follow these crazy and hilarious characters to the end of the story.
In keeping with the outrageous tone of the book, I decided that the biggest influence on the story would be the sex scenes. Now, I completely agree with you that the sex scenes were unbelievable, and that was the effect I was trying to achieve. On more than one occasion in your review, you mentioned that these scenes were funny and that they made you laugh. And, that was the reaction that I wanted from the readers. I wanted them to say to themselves, “This is outrageous. That is not even possible,” as they struggle to read these scenes from laughter. I know that, when compared to real life intimate situations, the scenes in my story are just not what really takes place. Those things don’t happen (most times, as I can’t speak for everyone), and I know they are not an indicator of what women like or what men like. In my opinion, I don’t think that the readers should live their intimate lives vicariously through my novel. I am sure that some of the things done by Rickey, Lisa, and Pamela defy the laws of Physics and Science, such as the “spontaneous lactation” However, I’ll just leave that for the readers to decide.
The other outrageous items that you pointed out, such as the drink spilling on Jennifer because of the waiter’s distraction from her ‘well-breasts” and the 48-hour orgasm, those were exaggerated details to supplement the unbelievable tone of the book. However, I have encountered the mention of a 48-hour orgasm on more than one occasion while reading other romance novels. In addition, the same applies to the elevator “internal damage.”
With respect to my mistake of repeating the characters’ names throughout the story, I didn’t really take notice of that until late in the publication process, when it was too late to correct it, and I do apologize in advance to the readers who may not like it. However, I am really glad that you brought that up because Summer Liaison is my first book, and I see this more as a learning experience for me. I really like it when people are honest and willing to point out mistakes so that I can learn from that and become a better writer. And, it is this aspect that makes a spectacular review, such as the one you have written for my novel. I am sure that there are other things that could have been different, and after re-reading my book, I have taken note of those things and I am positive that they will not be in the second part to Summer Liaison, which I am currently working on.
Overall, I feel that I have achieved my goal of writing an entertaining and funny “romance” story for people to read and enjoy, and I hope that everyone will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Again, I want to thank you for you wonderful and professional review.
Best wishes always,
Basem Darwish
http://www.basemdarwish.com
B.Darwish
July 4th, 2006