About a year ago I started to yearn for my freedom. I wanted to be a person again not just a mother. Don’t get me wrong I love my daughter dearly. I wouldn’t be without her. She is the light of my life. At the same time I was sick and tired of being a mother. You know what I mean - the person who makes the meals, does the laundry and reminds everyone where to be and when to be there (and most the time gets them there). I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. I felt like a MOTHER machine. Now that my daughter was getting older (12 is too older) I wanted some of my life back. I wanted some me time. I decided to start small.
Step one –I started going to the gym every morning before work (something I knew my husband could get behind). My husband gets my daughter up and off to school every morning and I go directly from the gym to work. It has worked out very well. He has really taken to it and even seems to like it. And he gets a fit, happy wife in return.
Step two - on Sunday I go and have coffee with friends for a couple of hours. My daughter complains that I’m not at home spending time with her. However when I do stay home she just wants to sit and watch TV, play video games. Last week after sitting at home all morning watching her watch TV I decided to go to coffee. What did she say as I was leaving? “But what if I want to go somewhere or do something you won’t be here to take me.” That’s when it dawned on me, we both want the same thing – whatever is going to make HER happiest. And ultimately, I decided, a happy mummy is what is going to make her happy. After all I’m a better mummy when I’m happy.
My mother tells me that when you have a child you give up your life to them. That you give up all you are for your children. Where is that written?! I wouldn’t have signed up if I had read that part! Does that make me a bad mummy? Taking some time for me? And while we’re on the “giving everything up” subject - my mother certainly didn’t do that!
I am taking a creative writing course, I got a few tattoos (something I have always wanted), I have coffee with my friends on Sunday and go to the gym every weekday morning. Occasionally we have a girl’s night out. I haven’t abandoned her. It not as if I leave food and water in little dishes on the floor, like I do for the cat. She’s fine! Fed, loved (tickled most nights), cleaned and occasionally disciplined – although not to often, she’s a good kid.
I don’t think taking time for myself makes me a bad mummy. In fact I think it makes me a better mummy and wife. Happier, more fulfilled, certainly more patient. I laugh and smile more easily, I am more joyus. So why do I feel so damned guilty? When is it ok to be a person again? When can we start taking our lives back a little? I still do all the mummy things. I just do other stuff too.
Now where are my motorbike keys? I’m off to tour the world.
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